Sunday, May 15, 2011

Matters of the heart

Wow, so much has happened since January.  I have been on quite the emotional journey so far in 2011. This year has already proved to be an interesting one!  I still can't believe that I lay so much of myself out for others to read when I actually sit down and blog.  I guess it is kind of like therapy!!

Our biggest accomplishment of 2011 (so far)- Sarah is potty trained!  For those of you who caught it on my Facebook page, this was a big struggle for me not too long ago.  As far as home and school go, we are done!!  She still has some accidents when she is staying with other people and is away from her comfort of home, but she has done great.  We are wearing big girl panties all the time now.  I feel like it is my biggest accomplishment as a mommy so far!!  I'm sure we may have some set backs after Scarlett is born, but we will cross that bridge when we get there.

Josh and I have been separated for 7 1/2 months now.  It has taken me that entire amount of time to get where I am now.  For the most part, Josh and I have gotten along very well.  Of course there have been times where we have argued over something stupid, but we get along.  I NEVER say anything negative about Josh in front of Sarah.  That is her daddy, and it always will be.  It makes me angry when separated parents trash talk the other parent in front of the child. or use the child as a pawn in their messed up game of life.

My family has been instrumental in helping me make things work.  They are very supportive and help me every way they can.  I am incredibly excited that my parents are moving to Little Rock in a little over a month.  Sarah and Scarlett will be very lucky to have Mimi and Papaw so close.

I have learned to accept the idea of raising Sarah and Scarlett on my own.  While it scares the crap out of me, I have come to accept the fact that I don't have a whole lot of choice in the matter.  I have figured out how to make it work.  Raising an almost 3 year old on my own with these insane pregnancy hormones has been a challenge, but we are almost to the end of that phase in the whole "raising children challenge." Sarah and I have our routines figured out, and they work.  She and I both seem to be somewhat adjusted to our new life.  That is until Scarlett decides to make her grand entrance into the world!  Then we will be back to square one again!!!

I have gone from crying most days to being ok most days.  I'm still sad.  My heart is very broken, but I'm learning to deal with it.  I think I have gotten good at putting on my happy face for the world to see.  I have tried to convince myself that I can move on and be ok.  I think I have done a pretty decent job at making everyone else believe that I believe that.  In my head I think I believe it, but not so much in my heart.  I can usually block the hurt until I run across pictures or something like that.  This past couple of weeks has been hard and has involved a lot of random tears.  I blame a lot of that on pregnancy hormones (I'm going to blame as much on those suckers as I can since it is almost over!).  Our 5 year anniversary is this week, and I know that is going to be a rough day.

Sarah cries for Josh a lot.  Especially after she comes home from a weekend with him or when she is getting in trouble for something!  That is heartbreaking.  When she sees me cry, she comes and holds me and tells me it will be ok.  She is such a sweet baby.  I thank God for blessing me with that sweet girl every day.

Our divorce paperwork was filed a couple of months ago.  Since there is an unborn child involved, the judge won't grant the divorce until after the baby is born.  The day that we got the phone call that the paperwork had been filed was an emotional day.  I'm not sure that I cried, but I wasn't real sure what to think.  I mean, I didn't marry Josh with the thought in my mind that one day we would get divorced.  We have been together for 7 years.  It was an odd feeling to know that just like that, our marriage would be done.  Our life together would be over.  Everyone was giving us both "words of wisdom and experience" of what needs to be in the paperwork and how to deal with everything.  Honestly, I think it was almost a numb feeling.  Like I've said before, I didn't want our life this way.  I wanted a husband who loved me and our girls and wanted to be with us more than he wanted anything.  This paperwork just meant that dream with Josh was dead.

So, that brings us to today.  Josh has been around a lot here lately with all the pregnancy excitement going on.  It has been very confusing for me.  My heart has been smiling, but my head has been telling me to pretend like nothing is happening.  I don't want to get wrapped up in the euphoria that comes with a new baby.  After Sarah was born, we were the happiest little family on the planet.....and you see where that got us.  Josh told me that he wants all together again.  All I can do is cry.  My heart is conflicted.  This is what I have wanted.  The 4 of us together as a happy family.  Then I think about it and wonder if it can really happen or is this all part of that euphoria?  Can we find a happy ground where we are both happy?  I tried finding a happy middle that we could agree on and asked him to move in with us a long time ago, but I was rejected.  My heart was shattered into little bitty pieces that I have spent the last 5 months trying to put back together.  Can it really happen?  Do I listen to my heart that wants our family together and wants Sarah and Scarlett to have their daddy here and involved in their lives, or do I listen to my head that is telling me I've made it this far and if I just keep going and avoid any potential heartbreak?  Why do matters of the heart have to be so hard?

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Changing the world

The great thing about having a 30 minute drive home after church every Sunday, is that I can use it as a reflection time.  Sarah usually falls asleep, which leaves me and my thoughts.  Today, I spent the drive home really thinking about Ryan's sermon.

Matthew 5:1-12  

Our thought for the day was focused around how we can be peacemakers.  I really thought about that on my way home today.  In my life, I can be a peacemaker and make a difference in the world by not only teaching, but showing my children acceptance and love for those who are different from us.  I have always tried to live this, but I know that I could do a better job.  It is my responsibility as a parent and an educator to teach my children to see that just because someone else looks or lives in a way that is different from us does not mean that there is something wrong with them and that we should shun them.  Instead, we should reach out to them and realize that the differences in each of us are what make us all unique.

Can you imagine what the world would be like if we all could accept differences rather than fill ourselves with hate toward those differences? 

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Breaking Glass

Do you ever have the urge to break stuff just to hear it break?  Now, I hate broken glass.  It totally freaks me out, but some days I just have the urge to throw something breakable just to hear it break.  Today is one of those days.  I just have a lot of anger rushing through my veins today.  I know I shouldn't, but I do.  

I have had a lot of blogs going through my head over the past couple of weeks, but since my computer has been cracked out, I haven't gotten to get those thoughts out!  If you have read some of my random facebook posts, you, you can tell that I haven't been doing so well the past couple of weeks.  I don't always elaborate when I'm making a comment because I don't necessarily feel like everyone needs to know what is going on, but I need to just vent.  It frustrates me more when people offer solutions on how to "fix" the situation or think they know what is going on because it isn't always what people assume.  I don't want a solution to everything.  I don't need help fixing things unless I ask for it.  All I need is love and support from my family and friends.  My life is changing in ways I never dreamed it would.  Not everything I say has to do with this separation/divorce situation I'm in.  

I know I seem a little crazy!  I think I am though.  I'm going to blame it on the pregnancy hormones.  They really are making me a crazy lady.  I step outside of myself sometimes and think "WOW!"  My apology to everyone who has to deal with me daily for the next 4 months.  I am hoping that I return to a semi-state of normal by promises though!

This is not the life I pictured, but it what I have been handed.  I can roll over and die, or I can get up every day and make this life the best I can.  Most days I feel alone.  I go to church and sing in the choir because that is where I want to be.  Everywhere I am, I feel like an outcast and feel alone.  Most days, I cry at some point.  I try to keep it together until Sarah is asleep, but that doesn't always happen.  When I do break down when she's around, she will ask me if I'm OK and give me a hug.  She is such a sweet baby.  That just makes me feel even worse about it all, but I use it to teach her about feelings (ya know, I have to take advantage of every teachable moment).  I have a lot of anger to deal with.  Anger towards a lot of things, and I just have to deal with that.  I know that Sarah and I (and the new baby) will have a very happy future.  It is just going to take me a little while to get there, but I know I will.  In the meantime, I apologize for the crazy, emotional Elise that will be available.  Just look past her and know that some day I will return to normal (whatever that may be).

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Stick my foot in my mouth

I absolutely did not intend on putting down others in my previous post, but I did.  There are tons of single moms who have never been married and are not with their baby daddy.  I have several friends who fall into this category.  They are incredible moms, and I hope that I can be as good of a mom as most single moms are.

I never imagined having babies and being on my own (which is the case for a lot of single moms, I'm sure).  In my perfect little world, we are one little happy family living together and living the perfect little life.  That dream is gone.  Crushed.  It is hard to swallow.  A baby is a blessing no matter how he or she comes into this world.  Right now, I'm a little overwhelmed with the idea of a new baby.  I know I will have help, but I'm scared.

I know how society judges others.  I don't want to be looked at as someone who goes around and gets knocked up because I am far from that.  There is only one judge whose opinion matters, and that is God.  I know this, but...let's face it...I am a people pleaser.  I want people to like me.  I want to fit in.  I care what others think of me, and I'm embarrased when I don't fit into the "social standard."  That is just who I am.  I say that not to put anyone down who doesn't fit into that same standard....that is just who I am.  I wish it was different, but that is who I have always been.  I really didn't mean to offend anyone.  When I typed, I didn't really think anything I said was being offensive, but I was wrong.  I'm sorry. 

Wow...the more I write about this new world I'm in, the more people are getting an insight into who I really am.  It's amazing what comes out when you just let go and tell it how it is.

On another note, today I have a sick Sarah.  She coughed all night last night and didn't sleep well.  She woke up with a fever.  It really isn't stopping her, but she is a bit more whiney that usual today.  I guess this congestion mess is going to stick with us all winter, which makes for a grumpy toddler which leads to a grumpy mommy!  Tomorrow starts the first full week back to work after being off a lot over the past 2 weeks.  This is going to be one long week.  On the upside, I have a check-up on Thursday morning.  We will set the date for our next ultrasound.  I am so ready to find out what gender this baby is.  I am ready to do some baby shopping!!  I think the surprise of not knowing the gender until delivery would me amazing, but I am so anal and have to plan and organize and have things just perfect (not to mention that I don't do well with surprises) I just can't wait it out.  Pathetic, I know.  I have been feeling the baby move, which, I think, may be one of the most amazing parts of being pregnant. 

This blog has turned VERY random.  This is the last thing.  This week 2 of my employees, who I also consider friends, have lost their brothers.  My heart breaks for both families.  I can't imagine that kind of pain.  Please pray for both of these women and their families.  They have a long road of healing ahead of them.  I pray that they will feel God's healing arms around them and that they will feel comforted. 

Saturday, January 1, 2011

A new beginning

It is the first day of 2011.  Today is the first day of what promises to be a life changing year.  I know that sounds corny, but it is true.  There are so many things that are going to be different for 2011.  First is the obvious....a new baby.  The addition of one more little monkey around here is sure to change my life and will definitely turn Miss Sarah's world upside down.  She just doesn't even know what is going to hit her in 6 months!  Second is something that hasn't been announced to the world, but some already know about.  So, as a valued blog reader, I shall fill you in...

Josh and I are separated.  Sarah and I moved to Cabot in October.  Josh and I have been trying to make our marriage work the whole 4 1/2 years we have been married.  We have realized that we are moving in opposite directions and have different dreams for what our life together should be.  When we made the decision to separate, things were fine.  We could handle it with Sarah and figured things would be fine.  Am I happy about all of this?  No.  I'm embarrassed.  I know I shouldn't be, but I am.  I didn't get married planning with separation/divorce as an option. 

Little did we know there was another twist in the story!  I found out the week after I moved that I was pregnant.  I hate walking around preggo without my wedding rings on.  I don't want anyone thinking I'm some hoochie who got knocked up by some random guy.  I feel like I need to walk around with a disclaimer above my head that says something like "my husband knocked me up before we separated."  I can't wait until the world finds out Josh and I aren't together.  I'm sure the stories will really fly about me being pregnant then!!

So, life changing event #2 is learning how to take care of myself and 2 babies on my own.  I know lots of women have done it before me, but it is going to take me a while to get the hang of this.  I'm doing good to wrap my mind around everything that is happening right now.  I never saw myself in this situation, but here I am.  This year really will be a day by day journey.  I spend a lot of days very lonely (even though I won't admit that out loud often), and I shed a lot of tears at night because my heart hurts, but I know I will be ok.  I have a very supportive family, a great group of friends, and a beautiful little girl who depends on me to be ok!

Happy New Year friends! May you have more blessings than you can count in 2011!!