Matters of the heart

Wow, so much has happened since January.  I have been on quite the emotional journey so far in 2011. This year has already proved to be an interesting one!  I still can't believe that I lay so much of myself out for others to read when I actually sit down and blog.  I guess it is kind of like therapy!!

Our biggest accomplishment of 2011 (so far)- Sarah is potty trained!  For those of you who caught it on my Facebook page, this was a big struggle for me not too long ago.  As far as home and school go, we are done!!  She still has some accidents when she is staying with other people and is away from her comfort of home, but she has done great.  We are wearing big girl panties all the time now.  I feel like it is my biggest accomplishment as a mommy so far!!  I'm sure we may have some set backs after Scarlett is born, but we will cross that bridge when we get there.

Josh and I have been separated for 7 1/2 months now.  It has taken me that entire amount of time to get where I am now.  For the most part, Josh and I have gotten along very well.  Of course there have been times where we have argued over something stupid, but we get along.  I NEVER say anything negative about Josh in front of Sarah.  That is her daddy, and it always will be.  It makes me angry when separated parents trash talk the other parent in front of the child. or use the child as a pawn in their messed up game of life.

My family has been instrumental in helping me make things work.  They are very supportive and help me every way they can.  I am incredibly excited that my parents are moving to Little Rock in a little over a month.  Sarah and Scarlett will be very lucky to have Mimi and Papaw so close.

I have learned to accept the idea of raising Sarah and Scarlett on my own.  While it scares the crap out of me, I have come to accept the fact that I don't have a whole lot of choice in the matter.  I have figured out how to make it work.  Raising an almost 3 year old on my own with these insane pregnancy hormones has been a challenge, but we are almost to the end of that phase in the whole "raising children challenge." Sarah and I have our routines figured out, and they work.  She and I both seem to be somewhat adjusted to our new life.  That is until Scarlett decides to make her grand entrance into the world!  Then we will be back to square one again!!!

I have gone from crying most days to being ok most days.  I'm still sad.  My heart is very broken, but I'm learning to deal with it.  I think I have gotten good at putting on my happy face for the world to see.  I have tried to convince myself that I can move on and be ok.  I think I have done a pretty decent job at making everyone else believe that I believe that.  In my head I think I believe it, but not so much in my heart.  I can usually block the hurt until I run across pictures or something like that.  This past couple of weeks has been hard and has involved a lot of random tears.  I blame a lot of that on pregnancy hormones (I'm going to blame as much on those suckers as I can since it is almost over!).  Our 5 year anniversary is this week, and I know that is going to be a rough day.

Sarah cries for Josh a lot.  Especially after she comes home from a weekend with him or when she is getting in trouble for something!  That is heartbreaking.  When she sees me cry, she comes and holds me and tells me it will be ok.  She is such a sweet baby.  I thank God for blessing me with that sweet girl every day.

Our divorce paperwork was filed a couple of months ago.  Since there is an unborn child involved, the judge won't grant the divorce until after the baby is born.  The day that we got the phone call that the paperwork had been filed was an emotional day.  I'm not sure that I cried, but I wasn't real sure what to think.  I mean, I didn't marry Josh with the thought in my mind that one day we would get divorced.  We have been together for 7 years.  It was an odd feeling to know that just like that, our marriage would be done.  Our life together would be over.  Everyone was giving us both "words of wisdom and experience" of what needs to be in the paperwork and how to deal with everything.  Honestly, I think it was almost a numb feeling.  Like I've said before, I didn't want our life this way.  I wanted a husband who loved me and our girls and wanted to be with us more than he wanted anything.  This paperwork just meant that dream with Josh was dead.

So, that brings us to today.  Josh has been around a lot here lately with all the pregnancy excitement going on.  It has been very confusing for me.  My heart has been smiling, but my head has been telling me to pretend like nothing is happening.  I don't want to get wrapped up in the euphoria that comes with a new baby.  After Sarah was born, we were the happiest little family on the planet.....and you see where that got us.  Josh told me that he wants all together again.  All I can do is cry.  My heart is conflicted.  This is what I have wanted.  The 4 of us together as a happy family.  Then I think about it and wonder if it can really happen or is this all part of that euphoria?  Can we find a happy ground where we are both happy?  I tried finding a happy middle that we could agree on and asked him to move in with us a long time ago, but I was rejected.  My heart was shattered into little bitty pieces that I have spent the last 5 months trying to put back together.  Can it really happen?  Do I listen to my heart that wants our family together and wants Sarah and Scarlett to have their daddy here and involved in their lives, or do I listen to my head that is telling me I've made it this far and if I just keep going and avoid any potential heartbreak?  Why do matters of the heart have to be so hard?