Do you ever have the urge to break stuff just to hear it break? Now, I hate broken glass. It totally freaks me out, but some days I just have the urge to throw something breakable just to hear it break. Today is one of those days. I just have a lot of anger rushing through my veins today. I know I shouldn't, but I do.
I have had a lot of blogs going through my head over the past couple of weeks, but since my computer has been cracked out, I haven't gotten to get those thoughts out! If you have read some of my random facebook posts, you, you can tell that I haven't been doing so well the past couple of weeks. I don't always elaborate when I'm making a comment because I don't necessarily feel like everyone needs to know what is going on, but I need to just vent. It frustrates me more when people offer solutions on how to "fix" the situation or think they know what is going on because it isn't always what people assume. I don't want a solution to everything. I don't need help fixing things unless I ask for it. All I need is love and support from my family and friends. My life is changing in ways I never dreamed it would. Not everything I say has to do with this separation/divorce situation I'm in.
I know I seem a little crazy! I think I am though. I'm going to blame it on the pregnancy hormones. They really are making me a crazy lady. I step outside of myself sometimes and think "WOW!" My apology to everyone who has to deal with me daily for the next 4 months. I am hoping that I return to a semi-state of normal by July....no promises though!
This is not the life I pictured, but it what I have been handed. I can roll over and die, or I can get up every day and make this life the best I can. Most days I feel alone. I go to church and sing in the choir because that is where I want to be. Everywhere I am, I feel like an outcast and feel alone. Most days, I cry at some point. I try to keep it together until Sarah is asleep, but that doesn't always happen. When I do break down when she's around, she will ask me if I'm OK and give me a hug. She is such a sweet baby. That just makes me feel even worse about it all, but I use it to teach her about feelings (ya know, I have to take advantage of every teachable moment). I have a lot of anger to deal with. Anger towards a lot of things, and I just have to deal with that. I know that Sarah and I (and the new baby) will have a very happy future. It is just going to take me a little while to get there, but I know I will. In the meantime, I apologize for the crazy, emotional Elise that will be available. Just look past her and know that some day I will return to normal (whatever that may be).